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being a special day.
Good. Because I wanted to talk to you on your own. With no
interruptions.
Why?
A pause.
Are you going to the wedding then?
Yes, Jamie said and then blurted out what he couldn t hold
in, Why are you here, Robert? You know how things are. What
do you want to talk about?
He turned to face Jamie. I just wanted to know what was
going on, that s all.
You mean with the wedding. Look, Robert, if this is about
David, I m so sorry about him. He
No, it s not about David. That s over. Really, it was over even
before it began. Though I m sorry about Lucy. If it matters?
Lucy? She was ancient history, and only a drop of water in the
sea compared to what Jamie felt about the man in front of him. He
shook his head.
Good. But I didn t come here to ask about the wedding.
Jamie found he was having trouble formulating any sensible
thought at all. So what did you come here for?
Robert looked him straight in the eye. I wanted to know what
was going on between the two of us, Jamie Chadwick. You see, I
can t& I can t&
And then his face crumpled, and Jamie could no longer hear
what he was saying. He took a step forward, but Robert waved him
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THE HIT LIST
away.
No. No, he said. I m sorry. I& I didn t mean to be like this. I
don t even know why the hell I m here. Or what good it s going to
do. God, I spent so long on the plane working out what to say to
you, what would make you understand, change your mind even,
but I can t. I j-just can t&
With that, he stopped entirely, no longer able to speak. Instead,
he started to sob, right there in Jamie s living room. Robert
Trevelyan, scourge of the Eastern business world, Mr. Elegance
personified, never a hair out of place and always with the right
word in season, was standing before him out of control.
Jamie walked up to him and held him until the fit was over.
Only when Robert was calm again and Jamie could be sure of
being understood, did he speak.
Look, he said. You don t have to say anything. Just come
and make love with me. Will you?
* * *
First, though, he checked on his father, who was dozing. Jamie
smiled, removed the breakfast tray from harm s way and briefly
touched the old man s shoulder.
Don t worry, Dad, he whispered. I ll be in to see you soon.
And so will Robert. We just need a little time together first.
Later, he stretched out on the sheets next to Robert with the
sweat only just beginning to dry on his skin. Robert moved so his
face was level with Jamie s on the pillow. A silence. It seemed like
a time for honesty. Something Jamie was slowly getting used to.
I ve been clubbing, he said. In Colchester. Five or six times,
since you ve been out of the country. Not that I did anything
372
THE HIT LIST
serious, just dancing and kissing, but it didn t stop me thinking
about you. It didn t get you out of my system.
Did you enjoy it?
Yeah, sort of, but they weren t you. Jamie glanced at him and
caught a faint smile. And I still wanted to be with you. It won t
happen again. I& I love you.
And I love you. Another pause. Then, I ve tried to see other
people since I ve been back in Japan, too, but it didn t work and
nothing happened. Neither of them was you.
Jamie turned over. The world and all that meant was beginning
to creep back into his consciousness.
But none of this is any good, is it? he said. Because of your
career, and most of all, because of my father, it s not as if we can
ever do this on a permanent basis. It s not as if we can ever really
be together. God, it s just not fair.
Robert held him close. Jamie, stay calm, will you? I d
forgotten how emotional redheads can be.
I m not emotional. I can be very cool and logical when& He
realized he didn t really know when he was ever either cool or
logical. Perhaps in the end he just had to be who he was and like it.
Oh, hell, I don t know when.
That s good, Robert said, turning Jamie back around to face
him. Because I like the crazy, passionate, driven man you actually
are. And what I really want to say to that man, and what I ve
wanted to say from the moment I first arrived here but couldn t, is
this I don t want to put too many demands or expectations onto
you, Jamie. I know how busy your life is, and the kind of
responsibilities you have. But, more than anything I want us to be
together, properly. As best we can. You can t leave Limewater, I
know. But I can leave Japan. It s easy enough for me to run my
373
THE HIT LIST
business from whatever country in the world I want to. If that s
something you want, and if you re able to consider it. You don t
have to tell anyone about us. Not if you don t want to. I ll take
whatever you can give me and be happy with it. I swear it. But, for
God s sake, you don t have to decide anything now. The offer s
there, on the table, and I won t take it away. All right?
For a moment, Jamie didn t know what to say. And then he did.
He kissed Robert carefully and slowly, then drew away to look him
right in the eyes.
Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes. Though I think you ll
discover that rather more people here now know I m gay than you
would imagine, he said. And thank you.
Later again, and getting rather too close to the time of the
nurse s arrival, Robert leaned over and nibbled Jamie s shoulder.
But there is one other thing I d like to know, too.
What s that?
How come I didn t make it onto your hit list? What s so
wrong with me?
The world spun for a few seconds before arriving back in its
rightful place in front of Jamie s eyes.
Ah, he said, gazing up at the ceiling and sighing. You did
see it then, that day you came round.
Of course I did. It was on the table in full view. I couldn t help
but see it.
So why didn t you say anything?
It didn t seem polite. Besides, it was none of my business
then.
And it is now?
Yes, it is. What happened to it anyway? I hope you ve
managed to leave at least some of Limewater alive and kicking.
374
THE HIT LIST
It s gone, you mean bugger. Jamie laughed, punching Robert
lightly on the arm. I burnt it. I thought I didn t want to live in a
fantasy world any more. I wanted to see what real life might be
like.
That s a relief because I wasn t relishing the thought of
vouching for your character in a court of law. Which brings my
first question back to mind. Why wasn t I on it?
Jamie closed his eyes for a moment before turning and looking
full into Robert s. Blue-grey, mysterious, but also kind. Then he
told Robert the truth.
Because I never wanted to even imagine killing you. No
matter what.
Jamie saw him swallow.
Thank you, he said. So, now I have some lease of life still to
come, I just need to know one thing. Would you and your father
like company at the wedding?
Jamie got up and reached for his jeans, just as he heard his
father coughing himself awake in the next room and the doorbell
went, heralding the arrival of the morning nurse. Funny how, in
spite of all these demands on his time, he was suddenly looking
forward to the day.
Do you know, I thought you d never ask, he said.
375
ANNE BROOKE
Anne Brooke s fiction has been shortlisted for the Harry Bowling
Novel Award, the Royal Literary Fund Awards, and the Asham
Award for Women Writers. She has also twice been the winner of
the DSJT Charitable Trust Open Poetry Competition. She loves
reading dark and quirky crime novels and has a secret passion for
bird watching and chocolate. Preferably at the same time. She once
took a balloon flight in Egypt but spent most of the time
screaming, and she hopes she never has to do it again. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
zanotowane.pl doc.pisz.pl pdf.pisz.pl szkicerysunki.xlx.pl
being a special day.
Good. Because I wanted to talk to you on your own. With no
interruptions.
Why?
A pause.
Are you going to the wedding then?
Yes, Jamie said and then blurted out what he couldn t hold
in, Why are you here, Robert? You know how things are. What
do you want to talk about?
He turned to face Jamie. I just wanted to know what was
going on, that s all.
You mean with the wedding. Look, Robert, if this is about
David, I m so sorry about him. He
No, it s not about David. That s over. Really, it was over even
before it began. Though I m sorry about Lucy. If it matters?
Lucy? She was ancient history, and only a drop of water in the
sea compared to what Jamie felt about the man in front of him. He
shook his head.
Good. But I didn t come here to ask about the wedding.
Jamie found he was having trouble formulating any sensible
thought at all. So what did you come here for?
Robert looked him straight in the eye. I wanted to know what
was going on between the two of us, Jamie Chadwick. You see, I
can t& I can t&
And then his face crumpled, and Jamie could no longer hear
what he was saying. He took a step forward, but Robert waved him
371
THE HIT LIST
away.
No. No, he said. I m sorry. I& I didn t mean to be like this. I
don t even know why the hell I m here. Or what good it s going to
do. God, I spent so long on the plane working out what to say to
you, what would make you understand, change your mind even,
but I can t. I j-just can t&
With that, he stopped entirely, no longer able to speak. Instead,
he started to sob, right there in Jamie s living room. Robert
Trevelyan, scourge of the Eastern business world, Mr. Elegance
personified, never a hair out of place and always with the right
word in season, was standing before him out of control.
Jamie walked up to him and held him until the fit was over.
Only when Robert was calm again and Jamie could be sure of
being understood, did he speak.
Look, he said. You don t have to say anything. Just come
and make love with me. Will you?
* * *
First, though, he checked on his father, who was dozing. Jamie
smiled, removed the breakfast tray from harm s way and briefly
touched the old man s shoulder.
Don t worry, Dad, he whispered. I ll be in to see you soon.
And so will Robert. We just need a little time together first.
Later, he stretched out on the sheets next to Robert with the
sweat only just beginning to dry on his skin. Robert moved so his
face was level with Jamie s on the pillow. A silence. It seemed like
a time for honesty. Something Jamie was slowly getting used to.
I ve been clubbing, he said. In Colchester. Five or six times,
since you ve been out of the country. Not that I did anything
372
THE HIT LIST
serious, just dancing and kissing, but it didn t stop me thinking
about you. It didn t get you out of my system.
Did you enjoy it?
Yeah, sort of, but they weren t you. Jamie glanced at him and
caught a faint smile. And I still wanted to be with you. It won t
happen again. I& I love you.
And I love you. Another pause. Then, I ve tried to see other
people since I ve been back in Japan, too, but it didn t work and
nothing happened. Neither of them was you.
Jamie turned over. The world and all that meant was beginning
to creep back into his consciousness.
But none of this is any good, is it? he said. Because of your
career, and most of all, because of my father, it s not as if we can
ever do this on a permanent basis. It s not as if we can ever really
be together. God, it s just not fair.
Robert held him close. Jamie, stay calm, will you? I d
forgotten how emotional redheads can be.
I m not emotional. I can be very cool and logical when& He
realized he didn t really know when he was ever either cool or
logical. Perhaps in the end he just had to be who he was and like it.
Oh, hell, I don t know when.
That s good, Robert said, turning Jamie back around to face
him. Because I like the crazy, passionate, driven man you actually
are. And what I really want to say to that man, and what I ve
wanted to say from the moment I first arrived here but couldn t, is
this I don t want to put too many demands or expectations onto
you, Jamie. I know how busy your life is, and the kind of
responsibilities you have. But, more than anything I want us to be
together, properly. As best we can. You can t leave Limewater, I
know. But I can leave Japan. It s easy enough for me to run my
373
THE HIT LIST
business from whatever country in the world I want to. If that s
something you want, and if you re able to consider it. You don t
have to tell anyone about us. Not if you don t want to. I ll take
whatever you can give me and be happy with it. I swear it. But, for
God s sake, you don t have to decide anything now. The offer s
there, on the table, and I won t take it away. All right?
For a moment, Jamie didn t know what to say. And then he did.
He kissed Robert carefully and slowly, then drew away to look him
right in the eyes.
Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes. Though I think you ll
discover that rather more people here now know I m gay than you
would imagine, he said. And thank you.
Later again, and getting rather too close to the time of the
nurse s arrival, Robert leaned over and nibbled Jamie s shoulder.
But there is one other thing I d like to know, too.
What s that?
How come I didn t make it onto your hit list? What s so
wrong with me?
The world spun for a few seconds before arriving back in its
rightful place in front of Jamie s eyes.
Ah, he said, gazing up at the ceiling and sighing. You did
see it then, that day you came round.
Of course I did. It was on the table in full view. I couldn t help
but see it.
So why didn t you say anything?
It didn t seem polite. Besides, it was none of my business
then.
And it is now?
Yes, it is. What happened to it anyway? I hope you ve
managed to leave at least some of Limewater alive and kicking.
374
THE HIT LIST
It s gone, you mean bugger. Jamie laughed, punching Robert
lightly on the arm. I burnt it. I thought I didn t want to live in a
fantasy world any more. I wanted to see what real life might be
like.
That s a relief because I wasn t relishing the thought of
vouching for your character in a court of law. Which brings my
first question back to mind. Why wasn t I on it?
Jamie closed his eyes for a moment before turning and looking
full into Robert s. Blue-grey, mysterious, but also kind. Then he
told Robert the truth.
Because I never wanted to even imagine killing you. No
matter what.
Jamie saw him swallow.
Thank you, he said. So, now I have some lease of life still to
come, I just need to know one thing. Would you and your father
like company at the wedding?
Jamie got up and reached for his jeans, just as he heard his
father coughing himself awake in the next room and the doorbell
went, heralding the arrival of the morning nurse. Funny how, in
spite of all these demands on his time, he was suddenly looking
forward to the day.
Do you know, I thought you d never ask, he said.
375
ANNE BROOKE
Anne Brooke s fiction has been shortlisted for the Harry Bowling
Novel Award, the Royal Literary Fund Awards, and the Asham
Award for Women Writers. She has also twice been the winner of
the DSJT Charitable Trust Open Poetry Competition. She loves
reading dark and quirky crime novels and has a secret passion for
bird watching and chocolate. Preferably at the same time. She once
took a balloon flight in Egypt but spent most of the time
screaming, and she hopes she never has to do it again. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]