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with my recent experience, soon stirred me to a full
consciousness of my inverted nature.
"About eight months after my friend's death I happened to meet in
a strange town a youth of about my own age who exerted upon me a
strong and instant attraction. He possessed a refined, handsome
face, was gracefully built, and, though he was rather
undemonstrative, we soon became fast friends.
"We were together only for a few days, when I was obliged to
leave for my home, and the parting caused me great unhappiness
and depression. A few months after we spent a vacation together.
One day during our trip we went swimming, and undressed in the
same bathhouse. When I saw my friend naked for the first time he
seemed to me so beautiful that I longed to throw my arms about
him and cover him with kisses. I kept my feelings hidden,
however, hardly daring to look at him for fear of being unable to
restrain my desires. Several times afterward, in his room, I saw
him stripped, with the same effect upon my emotions. Until I had
seen him naked my feelings for him were not of a physical
character, but afterward I longed for actual contact, but only by
embraces and kisses. Though he was fond of me, he had absolutely
no amorous longings for me, and being a simple, pure-minded
fellow, would have loathed me for mine and my inverted nature. I
was careful never to let him discover it, and I was made very
unhappy when he confided that he was in love with a young girl
whom he wished to marry. This episode took place several years
ago, and though we are still friends my emotional feelings for
him have cooled considerably.
"I have always been very shy of showing any affectionate
tendencies. Most of my acquaintances (and close friends even)
think me curiously cold, and often wonder why I have never fallen
in love or married. For obvious reasons I have never been able to
tell them.
"Three or four years ago a little book by Coventry Patmore fell
into my hands, and from its perusal resulted a strange blending
of my religious and erotic notions. The desire to love and be
loved is hard to drown, and, when I realized that homosexually it
was neither lawful nor possible for me to love in this world, I
began to project my longings into the next. By birth I am a Roman
Catholic, and in spite of a somewhat skeptical temper, manage to
remain one by conviction.
"From the doctrines of the Trinity, Incarnation, and Eucharist, I
have drawn conclusions which would fill the minds of the average
pietist with holy horror; nevertheless I believe that (granting
the premises) these conclusions are both logically and
theologically defensible. The Divinity of my fancied paradise
resembles in no way the vapid conceptions of Fra Angelico, or the
Quartier St. Sulpice. His physical aspect, at least, would be
better represented by some Praxitilean demigod or Flandrin's
naked, brooding boy.
"While these imaginings have caused me considerable moral
disquietude, they do not seem wholly reprehensible, because I
feel that the chief happiness I would derive by their realization
would be mainly from the contemplation of the loved one, rather
than from closer joys.
"I possess only a slight knowledge of the history and particulars
of erotic mysticism, but it is likely that my notions are neither
new nor peculiar, and many utterances of the few mystical writers
with whose works I am acquainted seem substantially in accord
with my own longings and conclusions. In endeavoring to find for
them some sanction of valid authority, I have always sought
corroboration from members of my own sex; hence am less likely to
have fashioned my views after those of hypersensitive or
hysterical women.
"You will rightly infer that it is difficult for me to say
exactly how I regard (morally) the homosexual tendency. Of this
much, however, I am certain, that, even, if it were possible, I
would not exchange my inverted nature for a normal one. I suspect
that the sexual emotions and even inverted ones have a more
subtle significance than is generally attributed to them; but
modern moralists either fight shy of transcendental
interpretations or see none, and I am ignorant and unable to
solve the mystery these feelings seem to imply.
"Patmore speaks boldly enough, in his way, and Lacordaire has
hinted at things, but in a very guarded manner. I have neither
the ability nor opportunity to study what the mystics of the
Middle Ages have to say along these lines, and, besides, the
medieval way of looking at things is not congenial to me. The
chief characteristic of my tendency is an overpowering admiration
for male beauty, and in this I am more akin to the Greeks.
"I have absolutely no words to tell you how powerfully such
beauty affects me. Moral and intellectual worth is, I know, of
greater value, but physical beauty I _see_ more clearly, and it
appears to me the most _vivid_ (if not the most perfect)
manifestation of the divine. A little incident may, perhaps,
reveal to you my feelings more completely. Not long ago I
happened to see an unusually well-formed young fellow enter a
house of assignation with a common woman of the streets. The
sight filled me with the keenest anguish, and the thought that
his beauty would soon be at the disposal of a prostitute made me
feel as if I were a powerless and unhappy witness to a sacrilege.
It may be that my rage for male loveliness is only another
outbreaking of the old Platonic mania, for as time goes on I find
that I long less for the actual youth before me, and more and
more for some ideal, perfect being whose bodily splendor and
loving heart are the realities whose reflections only we see in
this cave of shadows. Since the birth and development within me [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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