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his explorations.
"With many women?"
"Not as many as you seem to suspect. Haven't we talked about this before?"
"You said you'd tell me sometime about why you're so liberal in your ideas about women. About the one
that had such an effect on you-"
"What makes you so sure it was one woman?"
"Intuition. Was it someone you were in love with?"
"In a way."
"Did you think about marrying her?"
Ben's face changed, and he looked uncomfortable, wary, perhaps a little bitter. "Addie, I'm not ready to
talk about it."
"She hurt you, didn't she?"
Despite his irritation, Ben laughed ruefully at her persistence. And her accuracy. "Why is it so
impor-tant?"
"I know hardly anything about your past. There's so much about you I don't understand, and it bothers
me that you know so much more about me than I do about you. You're a puzzle. Why are you the way
you are, and why "
"Whoa. Before I explain anything. I'd like to point out I sure as hell don't understand everything about
you. "
"Was she important to you?" Addie asked, ignor-ing his attempt to sidetrack her.
"At the time, I thought she was everything." Ben rested his head on the back of the sofa, looking up at
the ceiling. "Have you ever wanted something so much you would have gone to hell and back to get it?
And once you had it, the tighter you tried to hold on, the less of a grip you had? She was like that. I'd
never met anyone so elusive. The more distant she was, the more I wanted her. "
Addie was surprised to feel a stab of jealousy. Sud-denly she wasn't certain she wanted to hear about
his desire for another woman, but at the same time she burned to know about the mysterious past he
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talked so little about.
"Who was she?"
"The daughter of one of my professors at Harvard. Her father was one of the most brilliant men I'd ever
met. Very New England aloof, intelligent, dynamic. Sometimes when he spoke, his words just burned
through your mind God, the things he said were rad-ical. Startling. There was a lot of that in his
daughter, the same brilliance, the same intelligence. I'd never heard a woman talk like she did. He'd let
her study the same things his students did, let her say and do any-thing she wanted. She was smarter than
most of the men I knew-a woman with an education. Having been raised in a small town near Chicago
where they'd barely heard of such a thing, I was fascinated."
"Was she beautiful?"
"Very."
Addie's jealousy doubled. Beautiful, intelligent, fas-cinating. "She sounds perfect," she said tonelessly.
"I thought so for a while. It was maddening, never knowing where I stood with her. One minute sugar
wouldn't melt in her mouth, and the next she'd fly into a rage for no reason. Sometimes she was just plain
crazy, taking chances, dragging me into wild adven-tures. I was either deliriously happy or miserable
around her."
"Why was she so wild?"
Ben's gaze was distant, as if he were concentrating on elusive images. "There was no place for her.
She'd been given the opportunity to become exotic . . . dif-ferent . . . and then everyone kept trying to
put her in a place she didn't belong. Including me. She was a bird in a cage, flying against the bars over
and over again. I wondered why she couldn't act more like other women, why she wanted to talk about
things that only men . . . " He paused and looked at her, his eyes un-readable. "You should understand."
Addie nodded imperceptibly.
"But she didn't have your strength," Ben contin-ued. "She had no hope of finding a way to fit in. I
watched her suffocating, and I didn't understand why. I thought the only way to help her was to try to
change her. The tighter I held on, the worse it was. I loved her, and she felt the same about me. But
everything I wanted from her marriage, a child, a life together- all of that would have been a prison.
She wanted no part of it. "
Ben took a deep breath and let it out slowly, amazed at the sudden lightness in his chest. It was the first
time he'd ever talked about that part of his past. He hadn't planned to tell Addie, but now it made sense
to unburden himself to her. Who else was capable of un-derstanding? Who else could begin to know the
kind of struggle it had been?
"How did it end?"
"She . . . " Ben cleared his throat and stopped. He couldn't get the words out. Addie said nothing,
wait-ing patiently, although inside she wanted to scream with the need to know. "She found out she was
going to have a child," he muttered, his eyes flashing with guilt and remembered pain. "My child. I insisted
we would get married. It was only a few weeks until grad-uation, and I already had plans to go back to
Illinois and get a job at my father's bank. She was miserable, I was thrilled. I wanted the baby. I wanted
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his explorations.
"With many women?"
"Not as many as you seem to suspect. Haven't we talked about this before?"
"You said you'd tell me sometime about why you're so liberal in your ideas about women. About the one
that had such an effect on you-"
"What makes you so sure it was one woman?"
"Intuition. Was it someone you were in love with?"
"In a way."
"Did you think about marrying her?"
Ben's face changed, and he looked uncomfortable, wary, perhaps a little bitter. "Addie, I'm not ready to
talk about it."
"She hurt you, didn't she?"
Despite his irritation, Ben laughed ruefully at her persistence. And her accuracy. "Why is it so
impor-tant?"
"I know hardly anything about your past. There's so much about you I don't understand, and it bothers
me that you know so much more about me than I do about you. You're a puzzle. Why are you the way
you are, and why "
"Whoa. Before I explain anything. I'd like to point out I sure as hell don't understand everything about
you. "
"Was she important to you?" Addie asked, ignor-ing his attempt to sidetrack her.
"At the time, I thought she was everything." Ben rested his head on the back of the sofa, looking up at
the ceiling. "Have you ever wanted something so much you would have gone to hell and back to get it?
And once you had it, the tighter you tried to hold on, the less of a grip you had? She was like that. I'd
never met anyone so elusive. The more distant she was, the more I wanted her. "
Addie was surprised to feel a stab of jealousy. Sud-denly she wasn't certain she wanted to hear about
his desire for another woman, but at the same time she burned to know about the mysterious past he
Page 173
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talked so little about.
"Who was she?"
"The daughter of one of my professors at Harvard. Her father was one of the most brilliant men I'd ever
met. Very New England aloof, intelligent, dynamic. Sometimes when he spoke, his words just burned
through your mind God, the things he said were rad-ical. Startling. There was a lot of that in his
daughter, the same brilliance, the same intelligence. I'd never heard a woman talk like she did. He'd let
her study the same things his students did, let her say and do any-thing she wanted. She was smarter than
most of the men I knew-a woman with an education. Having been raised in a small town near Chicago
where they'd barely heard of such a thing, I was fascinated."
"Was she beautiful?"
"Very."
Addie's jealousy doubled. Beautiful, intelligent, fas-cinating. "She sounds perfect," she said tonelessly.
"I thought so for a while. It was maddening, never knowing where I stood with her. One minute sugar
wouldn't melt in her mouth, and the next she'd fly into a rage for no reason. Sometimes she was just plain
crazy, taking chances, dragging me into wild adven-tures. I was either deliriously happy or miserable
around her."
"Why was she so wild?"
Ben's gaze was distant, as if he were concentrating on elusive images. "There was no place for her.
She'd been given the opportunity to become exotic . . . dif-ferent . . . and then everyone kept trying to
put her in a place she didn't belong. Including me. She was a bird in a cage, flying against the bars over
and over again. I wondered why she couldn't act more like other women, why she wanted to talk about
things that only men . . . " He paused and looked at her, his eyes un-readable. "You should understand."
Addie nodded imperceptibly.
"But she didn't have your strength," Ben contin-ued. "She had no hope of finding a way to fit in. I
watched her suffocating, and I didn't understand why. I thought the only way to help her was to try to
change her. The tighter I held on, the worse it was. I loved her, and she felt the same about me. But
everything I wanted from her marriage, a child, a life together- all of that would have been a prison.
She wanted no part of it. "
Ben took a deep breath and let it out slowly, amazed at the sudden lightness in his chest. It was the first
time he'd ever talked about that part of his past. He hadn't planned to tell Addie, but now it made sense
to unburden himself to her. Who else was capable of un-derstanding? Who else could begin to know the
kind of struggle it had been?
"How did it end?"
"She . . . " Ben cleared his throat and stopped. He couldn't get the words out. Addie said nothing,
wait-ing patiently, although inside she wanted to scream with the need to know. "She found out she was
going to have a child," he muttered, his eyes flashing with guilt and remembered pain. "My child. I insisted
we would get married. It was only a few weeks until grad-uation, and I already had plans to go back to
Illinois and get a job at my father's bank. She was miserable, I was thrilled. I wanted the baby. I wanted
Page 174
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